To: Tanya Denali-Cullen
From: Lauren Mallory
Date: February 16th, 2016
I hope you’re enjoying Barbados with Reynold. That was probably more exciting than the high school reunion. Talk about a dud. Only half of the people who said they were going to come showed up. The ones that did come were LAAAAAME! All of the nerds came and it was so boring. I had to talk to Eric Yorkie all night.
The dude’s face has not cleared up. At all. We’re pushing thirty and you still have a pizza face? Yuck.
Anyway, some high points were mainly at the basketball game. I ran into Tyler Crowley, who couldn’t come to the reunion itself. We exchanged numbers and perhaps something will come of that. You fucked him, right? Is he good in bed? Also, the administration loved our class gift that we purchased, though it was anticlimactic since the presentation would have been better on the football field.
Stupid hurricane, ruining all our fun.
Oh! And I saved the best for last. Your ex-husband was there. Why did you dump him? Edward Cullen is one fine piece of ass. That jaw, those lips, his eyes. Hmmmm, I would have sidled up to him if it weren’t for Smella Swan. She was all over him like a cheap suit. Edward and Smella? That is a match made in hell. What does he see in her? She’s ugly, plain and probably still smells. And from what I could see, they were too busy sucking face to enjoy the actual reunion. I think they even fucked each other! Bella pulled out a hotel key from Edward’s pocket and they left, going into the hotel.
I’m sorry about the abysmal news. Call me when you get back to Tampa. I feel like we need to have skinny margaritas and have an old-fashion bitch fest.
Don’t break Reynold … he’s older than dirt and you need him for his money. Give him my love and if you want to get me a present, I’m a size two and like sparkly things.
Beverly Hills Kisses,
Reynold, her sugar daddy