Sad News ...

The past few months have been incredibly tough. It all came to a head today, unfortunately. Early this morning, my mom, who had been diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer in March, started to fade away while she was at the hospital. When arrived at the hospital, my mom had passed away five minutes previous.

She had been in pain for so long. It started with a compression fracture in her back. She had that addressed with a verteboplasty. For about two weeks, she was great. Smiling, happy, loving and wanting to fight her cancer diagnosis. Then, we got bad news from the radiation oncologist (who had initially said that we'd have her back to normal in five to eight radiation treatments). The cancer had spread, become too diffuse.

So, she went in for chemotherapy.

That shit is worse than the cancer. It's freaking poison.

After she started the chemo, she got so weak and she deteriorated so quickly. Within three weeks of her starting chemo, she had developed a rash on her backside and was in constant pain. Early Saturday morning (like at 4:30), my dad called me to help me get her up from a fall. We couldn't do it since she was so weak. We called the ambulance and she was admitted to the hospital.

I won't bore you with the details, but she's no longer in pain. I'm relieved that she is at peace. Okay, 10% relieved and 90% devastated. My mom was my best friend, the person I turned to when I needed advice, reinforcement and love. I don't know who to turn to now.

My dad is a great man, but he's distant and not nurturing like my mom.

My aunt, my mom's sister, is wonderful, but she's not my mom. Never will be, either.

I want to remember my mom as she was. Vivacious, happy, laughing, spitfire. I want to celebrate her life. I want to remember her voice, her smell, her smile. I want to remember her like this ...

Now, what does this mean for my stories and future updates? I honestly don't know when I'll feel up to writing. I tried to work on a story today, but my mind kept going to her. I love my mom and I want to honor her. 

Thank you for your prayers, condolences and words of kindness. They mean more to me than words can say. I wish I could have her back, but hearing how much she was loved reminds me of how she impacted and touched so many people's lives. However, it was my life that she touched the most and I will miss her for the rest of my life. 

I love you, Mommy. I hope that you are having a scotch with Uncle Mario, hugging Papa and kissing Grandma. They missed you and I'll see you soon.