Tuesday, December 31, 2013

The Next Chapter Update

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The Next Chapter on AO3

The Next Chapter on TWCS

I was getting ready to be released from the hospital two days later. The orthopedic surgeon had to go in and make some minor corrections to the pins in my arm because I was complaining of shooting pains radiating up and down my hand. The pins were too close to my already frayed nerves and they needed to be readjusted. I had a long recovery for my arm ahead of me, along with the emotional fallout.

My children were clingy and needy, wanting to be almost inside of me. However, my injuries prevented them from getting too close. In addition to my broken arm, I had several fissures in my ribs and numerous sets of stitches on my legs, torso and head from the shattered glass from the car accident. The girls, thankfully, had no lasting physical effects from our ordeal. Unfortunately, they were in desperate need of therapy from the atrocities that Mike and Renee subjected us to. Dr. Marcus volunteered to work with all of our children, coming out to the house because the kids were afraid of getting into a car and being kidnapped.

Edward was still walking on egg shells around me. His entire being was fraught with guilt and pain. He apologized to me over and over again, begging for forgiveness. He felt awful for saying what he did to me. For the most part, I forgive him. But, there is that niggling voice in the back of my head that if he said it in anger, does he have those feelings in his heart? So, I’ve been distant with my husband. I’ve been grateful for all of the help he’s done for me in taking care of me, washing my hair, helping me in the bathroom and just being my go-fer, but I was fearful that he was only doing that out of obligation to squash the guilt he felt. Not because he loved me.

And that, my dear friends, is why I needed to talk to someone. Yes, I was dealing with the turmoil of my abduction and the nightmares that followed it, but it was lack of faith in my husband’s seemingly loving gestures and fear that he was not doing it because he loved me but out of guilt.
I sound so petty and childish, but I cannot shake that feeling. 

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