Sunday, December 25, 2011

The Geek's Guide to Parenthood Teaser

“Edwina,” Jasper grumbled over the phone. “I can’t get this bug out of the latest update for our firewall program. Can you take a look at it?”

“Jasmine,” I sighed, “you are better at finding bugs than I am.”

“Not today. I can’t keep my eyes open, man,” Jasper said. “Your sister is nearly back to normal, if you know what I mean…”

“Fuck, gross, Jasper!” I spat. “I do not need to know that. That’s my sister. SISTER! I do not need to know about your sordid love life, perv!”

“What the fuck ever, Edwina,” Jasper snickered. “Look for the bug, please?”

“Fine,” I said as I hung up the receiver. I told Eric that I was going to Jasper’s office to address some issues. He smiled and continued clacking on his own computer keyboard. I waved at the temp sitting at Jasper’s assistant’s desk. We had yet to hire a permanent replacement for Lauren. The current temp, Naomi, was actually looking pretty promising. She was conscientious and smart. Plus, she was like in her forties and married. She had been let go from her previous position job and was temping to get extra money. Naomi gave me a pleasant smile and told me to go right into the office. I opened the door and saw Jasper sitting at his computer, tearing at his blonde hair. “Dude, you’re going to go bald.”

“No, I’m not,” he groaned. “I’m ready to chuck it all and move to Lake Titicaca in a modular underwater unit. You can design it and Alice and I will live there permanently.”

“Oh, stop being so dramatic, Jasper,” I said as I pushed him out of his chair. “It can’t be that bad.” I looked at the screen and I had no idea what I was looking at. Jasper had fucked up the code beyond all recognition. “What the fuck? Are you trying to confuse our customers and have them read directions in ancient Sanskrit?”

“This is my problem, Edward,” Jasper grumbled. “My eyes are fucking crossing I’m so tired. Can’t I just go home?”

“If this is the work you’re doing, then yes,” I said as I ran my hands over his computer keyboard. “You’re worthless if you are writing gibberish. Kyra can do better than this, asshat.”

“I can really go?” Jasper asked quietly.

“Leave, douche,” I said, arching my brow over my reading glasses. “I’ll fix this enormous mess. Hopefully by tonight.”

“Thank you, Edward,” Jasper squealed as he kissed my temple. He moved his lips to my forehead and continued kissing me. “I love you, brother from another mother. My brain and my cock thank you…”

“Stop kissing me,” I deadpanned. “I don’t want to junk punch you. You’re acting too much like Demetri’s hubby. It’s bad enough I get molested by him. I don’t need to another in-law to my do-not-touch list.”

“Leave my husband alone,” Demetri snickered from the doorway. “He loves his brother-in-law. A little too much, but he loves you.”

“Hi, Dem,” I smiled as I shoved Jasper away. “You stay on the couch. No kissing your boss.”

“I’d rather be whipped, lover,” Jasper said with a coy grin. “Come and get me, big boy.”

“Shut. The. Fuck. Up,” I said, taking off my glasses and rubbing my face. “I swear, my sister fucked out all of his intelligence from his brain.”

“Nice,” Demetri snorted. “I have this quarter’s financial report to go over with you, bossman.”

“Don’t call me that,” I said.

“You are the bossman,” Jasper giggled. “Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, CEO of Whitlock Technologies and Founder of The Cullen Children’s Foundation. You’re the shit, man. The bossman! Bossward! We should make t-shirts.”

“Don’t make me come over there, Jasmine,” I said, arching a brow. “Just…just…I have no words for you. Hold on. Demetri, can we meet in like an hour to discuss the financial report. I have to fix the pig Latin Mandarin that Jasper was trying use for our firewall program.”

“First it’s ancient Sanskrit and now it’s pig Latin Mandarin. Nice,” Jasper bellowed.

 Demetri rolled his eyes and covered Jasper’s mouth with his hand. “Is he high?”

“Onf Falaice’s puffy,” Jasper said through Demetri’s hand.

“Was that English?” Demetri asked.

Jasper nodded and pulled his hand away. “I’m high on Alice’s pussy!”

“That’s it!” I groaned as I got up, stomping over to Jasper’s perch on the couch. “Purple nurple or swirlie?”

“Purple nurple you can do on your own. The swirlie, I’d have to help you,” Demetri said with a solemn frown.

We shared a look and then smiled deviously, “Swirlie,” we laughed.

“NO!” Jasper squeaked.

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